SITTING AT A STOP LIGHT

> I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car
and a “Remember 9-11″ slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, ” Praise Allah!” and took off before the light changed.
>
> Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
>
> For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, “Man… that could have been me!”
>
> So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

Here’s a good example of how most of these look:

Screen Shot 2012 10 04 at 08 43 16

See how the subject line is in two places?

Take note!!!!!

> A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC

> THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.

> 25% of the women in the UK are on some kind of medication for mental problems.

> That’s scary.

> It means 75% are running around untreated.

At some point it will be worth considering what role capitalization plays in folklore genres on the internet. Also curious, in this instance, is that the subject line and the apparent “title” of this item are at variance.

Folklore: Ralph and Edna

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love… I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?’

Happy Mental Health Day!

What is the main ingredient of WD-40?

*I did some clean-up work just to get this to format reasonably well for readability but I left the wacky spacing on the periods at the end of sentences and other places where I could.*

Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40 is? Don’t lie and don’t cheat. WD-40. Who knew? I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup . I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason) . I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news . He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do . . . . probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open . Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off . It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck . I’m impressed! WD-40 who knew? ‘Water Displacement #40’ . The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts . WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company . Its name comes from the project that was to find a ‘water displacement’ compound . . They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40 . The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts . Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you . . . When you read the ‘shower door’ part, try it . It’s the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door . If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass . It’s a miracle! Then try it on your stove top . . . Viola! It’s now shinier than it’s ever been . You’ll be amazed .

WD-40 uses:

1. Protects silver from tarnishing .
2. Removes road tar and grime from cars .
3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings .
4. Gives floors that ‘just-waxed’ sheen without making them slippery …
5. Keeps flies off cows .
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards .
7. Removes lipstick stains .
8. Loosens stubborn zippers ..
9. Untangles jewelry chains .
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks .
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill .
12. Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing ..
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing .
14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots .
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors .
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly . .
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes .
18. It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring . It doesn’t seem to harm the finish and you won’t have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off .. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks .
19. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20. Gives a children’s playground gym slide a shine for a super fast slide .
21. Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers . . ..
22. Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises ..
23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open . .
24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close ..
25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers .
26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles ..
27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling .
29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly .
30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools .
31. Removes splattered grease on stove .
32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging .
33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs ..
34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell) .
35. Removes all traces of duct tape .
36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pa in ..
37. Florida ’s favorite use is: ‘cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers . ‘
38. The favorite use in the state of New York , WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements .
39. WD-40 attracts fish . Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time . Also, it’s a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose . Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states .
40. Use it for fire ant bites . . It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch .
41. WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls . Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag .
42. Also, if you’ve discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, satur ate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash . Presto! The lipstick is gone!
43. If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start

P . S . The basic ingredient is FISH OIL ….

Ice Cream for Dessert

This is for all the grandfathers out there.

My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good, God is great. Thank you for the
food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!”

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark,
“That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!”

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong? Is
God mad at me?”

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, “I happen to know that God thought that was
a great prayer.”

“Really?” my grand-son asked.

“Cross my heart,” the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had
started this whole thing),

“Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.”

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her: “Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! ”

The End

I Said a Prayer For You Today

I think I’m going to make these pieces of netlore, folklore I receive through the Internet, usually by e-mail, their own category on this blog so I can design a format that makes it clear what they are, and so I don’t have to write little headers like this.

> I said a prayer for you today,
And know God must have heard.
I felt the answer in my heart
Although He spoke no word.
I didn’t ask for wealth or fame,
I knew you wouldn’t mind.
I asked Him to send treasures
Of a far more lasting kind.
I asked that He’d be near you
At the start of each new day,
To grant you health and blessings
And friends to share your way.
I asked for happiness for you
In all things great and small,
But it was for His loving care
I prayed the most of all.

FW: Exercise for People over 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Email-lore: Therapy

After 37 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched-with a raised eyebrow. The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

Email-lore: Church Ladies

>> A little humor for your jam picked day.

>> They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with computers. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

>> The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

>> The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
>> The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

>> Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

>> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

>> Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

>> Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
—————–
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
—————–
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
———————–
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
———————–
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
———————-
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
———————–
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
———————–
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
———————–
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
———————–
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
———————–
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
———————–
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
———————–
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
———————–
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
———————–
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
————————–
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
————————–
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
————————–
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:”I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

The Pastor’s Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again and it won again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR’S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and
misery … . even shorten your
life. So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

Socialism in the Classroom

Another great migratory legend circulated by e-mail:

> An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama’s socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.
>
> The professor then said, “OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama’s plan”.. All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A…. (substituting grades for dollars – something closer to home and more readily understood by all).
>
> After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.
>
> The second test average was a D! No one was happy.
>
> When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.
>
> As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.
>
> To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.
> Could not be any simpler than that. (Please pass this on)
>
> These are possibly the 5 best sentences you’ll ever read and all applicable to this experiment:
>
> 1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
>
> 2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
>
> 3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
>
> 4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!
>
> 5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

The Four Goldberg Brothers

Another bit of net lore:

> Here’s a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and
developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the
temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man
Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that
four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto
industry since the electric starter.

> Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead
asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him
to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air
conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very
excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3
million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for
$2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, ‘The Goldberg
Air Conditioner,’ on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti- Semitic, and there was no
way he was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million Fords. They
haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million
and that just their first names would be shown.

> And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show . . . . . . .

> Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.

> Control yourself !!! You didn’t see this coming.

Three Little Pigs

A bit of e-mailed folklore:

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically. A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. ‘And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’

The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think the man said?’

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly…

‘I think the man would have said – ‘I’ll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!’

The teacher had to leave the room.

Netlore: “Class IV Hitch Install”

I got this by e-mail. What’s interesting here is … well, yes, the photographs are interesting, and the object they document is interesting, but what’s even more interesting is that the humor here is in the close analysis of the construction of the object. To be clear, the “object” here is the trailer hitching system, which is … interesting.

> Wouldn’t you love to see how the trip went…? Good chance he ended up doin’ some unintended off roadin’ somewhere.
> Check the ‘hills’ in the background.

> Howja like to meet this rig on a two-lane road….coming down the mountain in your direction….power steering works real good now.

12540707

> She’s hitched up and ready to roll!!
> Amazin’ how the extra weight smoothes out the ride.
> Needed to air up the rear tires a bit (’bout 160 psi).

12474028

> Added some super heavy-duty chain for extra support on the tailgate, (note the ‘Heavy-Duty ‘S’ hooks to attach the chain)

> Also paid-up for some BIG Number 5/16 sheet metal screws to attach the Reese hitch frame to the tailgate (see ’em there? one on each side…)
> Likely two more through the carpet into the floor pan inside….

> Yep, probably overkill, but didn’t want the possibility of having an axerdent.

12625923

> Most of the time was spent on the front porch whittling down that MASSIVE solid pine 4×4 to fit precisely down into the hole in the ball mount receiver.

> Note also – The 14’x14′ piece of 3/8′ plywood on the underside of the tailgate to distribute the load more evenly and beef up that tailgate support.

> ‘A MAN CAN’T BE TOO SAFE’…!!

> They are out there, folks……. and they ‘REPRODUCE’!
> Kindest regards,