Politics Graphically Explained

> Finally somebody explained politics to me
> Right or left doesn’t matter. It is really up or down in politics.

1fa40c

> When top level people look down, they see only shit-heads;
> When the bottom level people look up, they see only assholes.
> You will Never see another Flow Chart that describes politics so clearly!

Subject: Classic

> A local civic group decided to sponsor a health and wellness seminar early one morning in its meeting room. A doctor from Johns Hopkins was addressing the surprisingly large audience:
>
> “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
>
> After several seconds of quiet, an elderly gentleman in the front row raised his hand and said softly, “Wedding cake.”

FW: The Back Pew

The asterisks are in the original. I’m not sure how they got there or if they were in fact worth keeping, but I do try to disturb these forwards as little as possible.

> A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor’s family expanded; so would his paycheck.****
>
> After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.****
>
> After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, “Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.” Silence fell over the congregation.****
>
> In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,****
>
> “\*Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers\*.”****
>
> The entire congregation said, “*Amen.”
>
> *Gotta love those senior citizens!

Four asterisks mark the end of each of the paragraphs except for the last two. The punchline, the back pew of the joke’s title, is marked off with asterisks. The congregation’s agreement has an asterisk in front of it. And then there is an asterisked last line, as if a footnote.

Weirdest Political/Topical Joke Ever

A friend sent along, via e-mail, the joke below, which I think counts as the oddest political / topical joke I have ever seen:

> A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
>
> When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.
>
> Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
>
> The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.
>
> Curious, the man asks,” What are they doing in there”? The nurse responds, “They’re preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obamacare.”

If is there a base joke from which this is adapted, then I am not familiar with the founding text. Do any of my fellow folklorists recognize this?

re: Funny Stuff

Keep your sense of humor boys and girls

Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male….. Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said…. I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in
it.
She said…. You wear pants don’t you?

He said….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said… That’s a good idea – you stand by the stove while I sit on the
sofa and pass gas!

He said….. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ….Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said….. Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said….. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to
bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO
THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT

$20 Bills

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.”

Blonde in Church

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Life is Short. Smile while you still have Teeth.

Give me an Amen, Brother!!

Nuts in a Cemetary [sic]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,’ said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, ‘One for you, one for me, one for you, One for me…’

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

‘Come here quick,’ said the boy, ‘you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!’

The man said, ‘Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.’ When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.’

The old man whispered, ‘Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. That’s all.. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done….

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

Today’s Short Bible Reading

Today’s Short Reading from Genesis:

“And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth”.

Then He made the earth round… and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

**Note**: All folklore items are reproduced, to the best of my ability, verbatim.

FW: Dead Penguins – – I never knew!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?Where do they go?

Wonder no more!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It’s so easy to fool OLD people.

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!

Fw: Too busy to be a friend?

One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name.

Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.

It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.

That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.

On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. ‘Really?’ she heard whispered. ‘I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!’ and, ‘I didn’t know others liked me so much,’ were most of the comments.

No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn’t matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.

Several years later, one of the students was killed in Vietnam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student.
She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature.

The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.

As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. ‘Were you Mark’s math teacher?’ he asked. She nodded: ‘yes.’ Then he said: ‘Mark talked about you a lot.’

After the funeral, most of Mark’s former classmates went together to a luncheon.
Mark’s mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.

‘We want to show you something,’ his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket ‘They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it.’

Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark’s classmates had said about him.

‘Thank you so much for doing that,’ Mark’s mother said. ‘As you can see, Mark treasured it.’

All of Mark’s former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, ‘I still have my list. It’s in the top drawer of my desk at home.’

Chuck’s wife said, ‘Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album.’

‘I have mine too,’ Marilyn said. ‘It’s in my diary’

Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. ‘I carry this with me at all times,’ Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: ‘I think we all saved our lists’

That’s when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.

The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don’t know when that one day will be.

So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them, before it is too late.

And One Way To Accomplish This Is: Forward this message on. If you do not send it, you will have, once again passed up the wonderful opportunity to do something nice and beautiful.

If you’ve received this, it is because someone cares for you and it means there is probably at least someone for whom you care.

Remember, you reap what you sow. What you put into the lives of others comes back into your own.

Five Surgeons

It would appear that politicians are emerging as the butt of jokes. Because this joke comes from what is normally the conservative sphere of my life, I am curious to see how this shapes up.

> Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
>
> patients to operate on.
>
> The first surgeon, from New York, says, ‘I like to see accountants
>
> on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
>
> inside is numbered.’
>
> The second, from Chicago, responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try
>
> electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.’
>
> The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, ‘No, I really think librarians
>
> are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’
>
> The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: ‘You know, I like
>
> construction workers…Those guys always understand when you have
>
> a few parts left over.’
>
> But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
>
> he observed: ‘You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
> There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
>
> Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.’

As always, the quotation is fairly close to verbatim, line breaks and all.

In the past, liberals or liberal politicians have been the butt of jokes, not politicians in general. I’m okay with politicians in general, mind, because I think a good percentage of individuals from both parties have long forgotten what it was they were supposed to be doing, but I can’t help but wonder if this kind of attack on politicians in general, coming as it does from the conservative side of things, doesn’t represent a real unrest among that population. (I can only hope that the unhappiness is focused on the ideologues and not on the pragmatic politicians.)

Getting to Heaven

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her.

“Hello – How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.”

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her.

“Which word?” the woman asked.

“Love.”

The woman correctly spelled ‘Love’, and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”

“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.

“Which word?” her husband asked.

“Czechoslovakia.”

SITTING AT A STOP LIGHT

> I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car
and a “Remember 9-11″ slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, ” Praise Allah!” and took off before the light changed.
>
> Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
>
> For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, “Man… that could have been me!”
>
> So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

Here’s a good example of how most of these look:

Screen Shot 2012 10 04 at 08 43 16

See how the subject line is in two places?